Rant 'n Rave

New Blog, Last Post Here

2006-11-20T12:06:00.000-08:00

Now that I have gotten my feet wet w/blogging and learned some things... I am moving this blog to a new one, in part because blogger is switching blogs over to a new format, anyway. The new blog will be quite good, like a standup act on paper. It may repeat a few of the entries from here, but in better detail w/more attention and more sarcasm. Hope you check it out!

New Blog: Did you Stop to Think?

www.didyoustoptothink.blogspot.com

Bar Prerequisites

2006-11-06T07:55:00.000-08:00

Sorry I missed posting last week. My book officially came out then, ("God is a Woman: Dating Disasters"), so busy w/that. Please spread the word and remember purchases from the site www.godisawoman.net (now w/reviews, an excerpted chapter, etc.) include a $2 donation to mentally ill children. (All the info on the site.)

Realized I am old (34) this wknd. In the past, when invited to a bar by friends, I asked things like, "Will there be a lot of pretty women there?" "What are the drink specials?" "What kind of music do they play?" Now, I ask, "What's the bathroom like? Is it more than one stall and one urinal? Will the door bump my arm while I'm peeing every time someone enters the bathroom?" I want a spacious restroom at my bars! I also ask, "Is the music really loud? I don't want that."

I'm old. I'm willing to go to a bar w/hardly any women, large restrooms, and quiet music, where I'll pay any price they ask for a drink. I'm old

Outlaw Tag

2006-10-23T13:07:00.000-07:00

I had to make a rare second posting today, as I just heard about this. Schools banning games like tag and dodgeball.

Yahoo article on school that bans tag. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061018/ap_on_fe_st/playground_tag_ban

Apparently, there is concern that tag is exclusionary and kids could get hurt. When I was a kid, I was pissed that lawn darts got outlawed. What the hell is going on? A few kids got killed by the darts. We went thru a few sets, having a blast for years, w/out anyone ever getting hurt. I'm sorry natural selection wasn't as kind to all kids. But it is natural selection. If a kid is too dumb to know not to get hit by a sharp object...

I had a horse racing game I loved as a child. The horses sat in the gates, the gates opened, and the horses raced across to the finish. Totally cool; never knew which horse was going to win. It was outlawed because some group felt it taught kids gambling. Please, we never gambled. (My dad did take it to work and gamble w/it there w/all his work buddies, but gambling is not something kids just do; they have to learn it from adults.)

Now, it is the banning of tag and dodgeball. Who are these idiots that want to stop all fun? Are they that unhappy and miserable in their own lives? One woman parent in the article said, "I'm glad tag's banned. I've seen enough near collisions." Pfft. Please. I've seen these parents, overprotecting their kids from this little thing called "LIFE" as I go near a school from time to time on my way home. They act so concerned about their kids, then get in an SUV, don't buckle up their kids, let alone put them in the required safety seats, talk on their cell while drinking coffee and almost get killed in a car accident when they fail to stop for a stop sign. Get real and be honest. Just say, "I could care less about my kid's safety. My poor little baby sucks at tag and cries every night about it! Therefore, no one should be able to play tag. Boo hoo hoo."

The truth is, if these whining parents would spend some time w/their kids when they were young, developing eye-hand coordination and playing tag, etc. w/them, the kids wouldn't suck. Any parents who make such outlandish requests like banning tag should be told, "You know what? Just take your kid home and home school 'em." Watch how fast they change their minds. "Oh, I don't care if you put my kid in a swimming pool w/sliced hi-wire voltage lines hanging over it. Just please, don't make me spend that much time w/him! I'm too busy shopping at Prada and filling out surveys in Cosmopolitin!"
(I know it's ritzy parents complaining; other parents WANT their kids outside playing tag, etc., plus no one would even consider outlawing tag for parents who didn't have clout.)

How far are we going to let this go? For God's sake schools, stand up to these whiny wimps. In fact, make tag a REQUIREMENT and grade the kids in it!

Loan Approved! Debt Consolidated!

2006-10-23T12:59:00.000-07:00

Almost every evening when I get home, I have several messages on my machine. Over the course of the last year, I've had 423 loans approved, and the opportunity to consolidate my debt 672 times, for one low monthly interest payment. Remarkable.

What's even more remarkable is I've never applied for a loan and I have no debt. Wouldn't ya know it? Something I can get that I can't use. The loan messages are always, "Your loan has been approved." "Calling in response to your loan query for $25,000." And the like. Do these idiots actually think that will work? Like I'm going to go, "Geez, I completely forgot about applying for that loan. I better call 'em back and take the money!" Morons. Just a few more idiots serving their sole purpose of annoying me at the end of a long day.

Wash Hair Twice?

2006-10-21T12:09:00.000-07:00

I washed my hair twice this morning. This isn't because I wanted to; it's not like I follow the instructions on the back of the shampoo "Lather. Wash. Rinse. Repeat." I don't need to do that.

No, I washed my hair twice for the same reason I regularly wash my hair twice now and then... I forget I washed it the first time. I literally stand in the shower thinking, "Did I wash my hair? I can't remember." I then lather up and wash it again. As I do, I remember that I just watched it.

Does anyone else do this? I wonder if I have discovered the universal sign that I am getting old... washing my hair twice because I can't remember if I washed it in the first place. How sad is that?

Customer Serivce? WHAT'S THAT??

2006-10-16T07:35:00.000-07:00

I had a glitch w/FrontPage last week. (I know a lot of people frown at using frontpage for web page design, but it's simple and I NEED that!) All I could see on each page was everything in code and there were no options to get away from that view, like there normally are. I have no idea what code is. I might as well be back in biology, looking in a dissected frog for its kidney (something else that I could never find or understand).

I searched Microsoft, where they have one of those FAQ boards, where they try to guess every imaginable ?. I couldn't find my problem. So, naturally, I called the customer service number. Microsoft was more than happy to help me out by transferring me to a tech... for $244 for one ?! And there was no guarantee he could answer it. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? I assume when I buy something that says "Tech support" it doesn't mean I have to pay extra for it. And from what I've heard, if I did get a tech person, I'd have to hire an interperter to understand the foreigner I was speaking to. I think they charge like $100/hr... So that's $344 to ask Microsoft a ?.

Is that what we've come to? Charging for customer service? That's not customer service, that's sales. So, MS should just call it sales. Is MS hurting that bad, that they need to charge for ?'s? Nutso. I joined a forum, FrontPage Forum, and got my ? answered right away. Problem solved. Check it out if you use FrontPage; it is well worth your time. I got a quick response which led me to the solution. I'm "Quick Question" on there, by the way. So, blah to MS's "customer service"!

Pictures From Algonquin

2006-10-09T16:15:00.000-07:00

They're pretty self-explanatory. A few colors. A beaver dam. An itchy heron. A moose from my LAST trip to Algonquin, NOT this one. One of the eight I saw.

Where Are the Moose?

2006-10-06T11:51:00.000-07:00

I have returned from my camping trip to Canada. Usually I like to keep my blogs somewhat short, but this one will be long. If you don't have time to read it all, here are the highlights of what I've learned: (Pictures will follow in a day or two.)

My friend and I could get lost in our apartments (we live in studios).
Canada and Algonquin Park rock.
Toronto rivals Chicago for the worst traffic in North America.
The moose in Algonquin are in hiding.

We set out Sat. The first thing we learned is that Canada is very weird. There was no trash along the street. No one tossing cups out of their car windows on the highway. No billboards selling something every few miles. Drivers signaled before changing lanes. Drivers didn't get right up on someone's butt before changing lanes or while they were behind someone who was passing another car. We stopped at a store to ask some ?'s. The clerk actually KNEW the answers; they did not have to refer us to another person who then referred us to another and then another and then another, until the entire store's staff was standing before us, baffled by our question... very weird! The irony is that there was a lot more customer service in a socialist country than a capitalistic one. Unexpected and weird.

Gas in Canada has always been more expensive than in the U.S., a lot more. Not anymore. The price of gas in the U.S. has nearly caught up; it is only a few dollars less here than in Canada. Of course in Canada, they pay for the healthcare and various other things with each purchase of gas; we don't here. Plus, the price is in Canadian $, so it's actually about the same price.

It took us forever to get around Toronto, on a Sat at 7pm. Unreal. Toronto has grown to the 4th largest city in North America, but has not really expanded the roads since they were 104th or whatever they used to be years ago. So, the roads are jammed, maybe even surpassing Chicago as the worst traffic. (Detroit, NY, L.A. DO NOT have the worst traffic, despite their claims.) Houston is next on the list as worst traffic, behind Chicago and Toronto.

We hit Algonquin Park (http://www.algonquinpark.on.ca/), a place to see many different types of animals, most notably and advertised, moose. Algonquin has only one road (a highway) that runs thru it, and often moose can be seen right off it. In fact, they don't have deer crossing signs; they have moose crossing signs! We arrived at the park late Sat. night. Now, Algonquin's website states that at this time of the year, while the colors are AWESOME, no one else will be at the park. A visitor at this time of the year would have the park to himself. We arrived to find the camping ground we wanted to stay out COMPLETELY FULL! Several others were closed. We drove around for an hour before finding an available site. Canada is really good about providing seclusion in their campsites, even when the campground is full. They tend to just cram everybody in here in the U.S.

Surprisingly, we didn't see any moose that night, even w/all our driving around. The next morning we hit a few trails geared to see animals, one going over several beaver ponds. Nada. Zilch. Nothing. We drove along the highway some more, no animals. We hit some more trails and looked for animals again that evening and night. Still, nothing.

I've been to Algonquin several times. The last time I went was my best wildlife viewing. In 3 days I saw: 8 moose (2 of which were calves), some blue heron, a pine martin (rare to see), grouse, a fox, a bear cub, and a lynx (rare to see, and they've been trying to get hard evidence that they actually live in the park). So, not to see anything was weird.

The next day, our last full day of camping (short, 2 full camping trip), we hiked on a trail intended to see lots of animals. Over 6 miles long and partly washed out. We got nice and muddy. Last time I did this trail, I saw 4 moose in the bog part of the trail. This time? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I couldn't believe it! We saw 2 blue heron and a "marked" turtle. That's it.

Near the back end of the trail, we ran across some gray jays. I got some good photos, as they come close for food. I led most of the trail way. My friend had led once and he started us back the way we came, so I stopped him and turned us around. After looking at the jays, he led again. After a while, we noticed that the trail markers were on the wrong sides of the trees. We started running into people. They have posts w/numbers on them on the trail, and we started to see the same numbers. We became annoyed. Why would they have two trails, and use the same dots for each? How stupid is that? Why would people not realize they were walking down the wrong trail? (Everyone we ran into claimed they had been to the same places as us; clearly they couldn't have been! We started at 7AM, before anyone else was there--we were the only car in the parking lot--and no one had passed us.) Finally, my friend realized, "Maybe I led us back down the wrong way again." Dah! "That would make more sense than all our other theories, wouldn't it?" I replied. We laughed at our stupidity.

We heard there were moose in the bog area we had passed, so we hurried to see them. They were gone by the time we got there. So, we did 10 miles on a 6 mile trail and saw no moose. Doh!

That evening/night and the next morning we drove around. No freaking moose. DOH! So, we saw no moose in Algonquin, after I promised my friend we would. We did see a lot of great colors, have a kick butt campfire, and so forth. So, we had a lot of fun. We will go back next year, armed w/more time, more eyes (people), and in June (prime time to see moose on the road, where they lick salt from the melting ice on the road).

Personally, I'd like to see a bull moose in the fall, when its antlers are all big and when they are fighting over the females. Oh, well; guess I'll just have to head to a club this weekend. I'll pretty much get to see the same thing...

Dinner W/Mom

2006-09-29T09:03:00.000-07:00

My Mom is in town.

Ah, yes, so we did dinner last night. Always good to see mom (she lives in a small town in OH these days). Why is it whenever you see your parents they go on and on talking about people that you don't remember? CONSTANTLY!

"Oh, and do you remember Susie Maxinson? You once saw her daughter in a play when you were both four, well, she..."

What the hell is my mom talking about??!! "I don't remember her, mom, and I really didn't need to hear the 20-minute scoop on what's going on in her life."

"Sure you do. You were four. She remembers YOU."

Yeah, because she was like 37. Dah!

Once we get off the nearly endless number of people I don't know or care about, that my mom talks to once every 3 years but seems to have a need to fill me in on their current life situations, we have good dinners.

Off to go camping to Canada tomorrow until Wed. I'll have some good pictures to share, I hope. I really want to see some moose fighting it out over a female moose; this is the time of year to see that. Of course, I if it gets out of hand I might have to get in there and break it up. "Guys, guys, it's not worth it. Take a good look at her. She's a moose! She's not attractive at all!"

Have a good wknd, everyone.

Rant 'n Rave: False Scares

2006-09-26T14:03:00.000-07:00

Rant 'n Rave: False Scares

False Scares

2006-09-26T06:43:00.000-07:00

I rented a movie last night, a scary thriller. I won't say which one because I don't really have anything good to say about it and won't warn you about it, so that you can join me in my misery of viewing it. Actually, I will warn you. As my friend Greg says, "Stay away from renting any flick that has 'alternate endings.'" Good call; if they can't choose which ending they want, how good can the film be?

The false scares in movies drive me nuts. For example, how is it everyone who's haunted or who has an ax murderer living in their attic owns a cat, just so that they can scare us w/a "Oh no, the ghost/killer is behind the door... Oh, no, it's just the cat." Even if they don't own a cat, one has snuck into their place from nowhere. (No doubt it entered through the same place the ghost or killer got in.) Cat just appears for the false scare. Even "Alien", a very good movie, has the cat. They have this cat fly all the way up in space w/them, just so that they can have a false scare or two w/it. Talk about going out of your way for a gimmick.

Say what you want about the poor acting and script in movies like "Saw", but these films do a GREAT job of not having any false scares. Things move along really well and keep the viewers on toes (when they're not laughing at some of the other unbelievable stuff, anyway).

I think I'll write a short comedy script in which someone is terrorized by cats. He keeps opening doors, a cat scares 'em, he runs away frantic. Eventually he opens a door to find an ax murderer, and is relieved. "Thank God! Are you here to kill the cats?" Then he can get killed or something. At least it's original.

Fine Refs

2006-09-25T18:26:00.000-07:00

Well,

It was another poorly officiated set of NFL games I saw this wknd. It seems like this has been a problem the last few years. The most memorable is the Steelers vs. Colts playoff game last season. Horrible, horrible, horrible. Horrible. It looked the fix HAD to be in. How can the NFL solve such a problem?

The league is always fining players. Pay the refs more money, make it a full-time job, and fine them for obvious blown calls. Watch how quickly the calls get better.

Reviews

2006-09-22T06:46:00.000-07:00

One of the best things about the Internet is the ability to check on reviews of products. Before the Internet, that was difficult, if not impossible. One had to track down a consumer report or a relevant magazine, etc. Now, it's easy to get real customers reviews.

Some of the reviews drive me nuts, though. I used to just look at the stars but quickly learned I have to read the review. I need to buy a new tent (I'm into camping and all that junk), so I checked reviews on tents. One guy gave a tent a poor rating because he couldn't stand straight up in it. Dah! Another gave it a poor rating because "it leaks if you leave the door open." I won't even comment on that. How these dumbasses even survive a camping trip is beyond me. They probably just use the tents in their yards. Other than these problems, these two idiots liked the tents.

When I bought my cell phone, which rocks, I looked at reviews. People rated it poorly because it's picture feature didn't work as well as their digital cameras; other than that, they liked the phone a lot. Again... DAH!! It's a phone!

If you're going to review something, take a moment and THINK about the product and its purpose. I don't want to read about how your car sucks because you can't do that side wheelie thing they do in The Dukes of Hazzard or how your home video camera is no good because the quality isn't as good as a real movie in theaters. DAH!

A Few Friends

2006-09-19T06:48:00.000-07:00

Just FYI,

Here is a blog you may find of interest. It's by the guy who made the photo I took for the cover of my book (a picture of my fridge). He's a talented photographer and the same small publishing company that handled my work may handle his down the road. http://curvesproject.blogspot.com/

Also, Pete Schwaba, who I met years ago when we both made finalist status in a contest to appear on the Tonight Show (LONG ago; I was 19 at the time! And Leno had just taking over the Tonight Show) has a film out called The Godfather of Greenbay. You can check it out at www.godfatherofgreenbay. It doesn't have large distribution yet and he is working his ass off getting it to theaters. It looks like something you folks in small towns would especially enjoy and relate to; check it out for yourself by visiting the site. (Too often, Hollywood forgets about the small towns in their flicks and that's where tons of people live.) BTW, Pete was a good standup and has a few script sales under his belt. He also got some good talent for this film. Keep on truckin', Pete!

Question Answered

2006-09-18T14:30:00.000-07:00

Two entries in one day! Wow. I'm lucky if I get one in a week... This entry is to answer a question I keep getting thru my website from both blog readers and aspiring comedians or comedy fans. The question?

"Where have you played?"

A lot of times, comedians play a certain region or area, even national acts. I was a road warrior. Have the record of 106-weeks straight on the road (I'm very proud of that, although I don't know WHAT I was thinking at the time) and worked everywhere. I only know of two other acts who were also dubbed giant road warriors. BT and Patrick (can't remember the last name). Both talented guys. So, to answer the question easily, the maps are of all the places I played in the U.S. and Canada, large enough to appear on a map. If you can make 'em out, Blue pins are club gigs, college gigs where I also did club gigs, Red pins are college gigs, corporate gigs, and orange pins are places at which I camped/canoed.

Why do I have the map in the first place? Needed something to hang on the wall. Also, I look at it on those rare occassions when I am discouraged to remind me "Oh yeah, that was hard; this is easy. If I can do that, I can do this."

So for you aspiring comics, go for it. But realize it's A LOT OF WORK to tour nationally and be a road warrior. But, you get tons of great stories, build a very solid act, and are in the right places at the right time for the industry.

CSI

2006-09-18T06:48:00.000-07:00

I was up late last night, watching my non-cable TV (see cable entry for more on that), when CSI-Miami came on. The CSI series is hilarious. I spend a lot of time laughing at the shows. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they're on. Thank God for Bruckheimer, or they'd be 7 more reality shows in the 7 slots of his TV shows (CSI series, W/out a Trace, Cold Case, and two others).

What's funny about the shows? It's like Saved by the Bell, where the same 5 kids do EVERYTHING. They're in the glee club, the band, the sports teams, school counsel... it goes on and on. Same w/CSI. David whats-his-name is some CSI guy and oh, yeah, on last night's re-run, we find out he used to be in the bomb squad. What an amazing dude. He most have gone to school w/Zak and Screech at Bayside, no doubt.

All the CSI shows have the same thing: CSI people running the show. They interrogate supsects (HUH?) Arrest people. Have guns (and are EXCELLENT marksman). They also all have the same I'm-awesome-you're-an-idiot sarcastic attituded. No individuality in the characters. Bascially, none of it's accurate. CSI people don't do anything w/suspects and they certainly don't run around shooting at people. Also, in order to explain what's going on to the audience, the characters explain to each other what they're doing.

"I'm taking fingerprints, Bob. Suspects leave fingerprints."

Wouldn't Bob, a trained CSI KNOW THAT??!! They could find a better way to let the crowd know what's going on than that. Like in Law and Order, the CSI people (who are, guess what? That's right, in the lab), explain it to the police, who wouldn't know. Perfect, realistic, and let's the audience know what's going on. Piece of cake.

If you want realism, watch Law and Order. If you want to laugh your ass off, CSI.

Comments

2006-09-15T13:39:00.000-07:00

So I don't do anything, yet anyway, to announce this blog in any way, shape or form. Too busy w/book stuff. I just like to write on it what my thoughts are about something that bugs me and invite other people to jump in, too, or counter. Noticed today that I've had a few comments. Thanks to those that have commented; welcome anytime. I will go thru them and start doing more to link w/other blogs, etc, that are relevant and/or good. Have a good wknd, everyone. And do not fret; I'm sure I'll find something to gripe about over the wknd for a Monday entry...

What's That Song??!!

2006-09-15T06:48:00.000-07:00

So I call Walgreens today to reorder a prescription. A song comes on as I sit on hold and I want to know what it is; haven't heard it in years. Usually, I get on hold and the songs drive me nutso. Just as I'm about to hear the melody, some automated voice lady comes on w/all kinds of info of crap I don't need. When the song cuts back in, the melody is over and I still don't know what it is. Just when the melody is about to come on again, the pharmacist answers. I tell ya, ya just can't win!

Friend's Calendar

2006-09-11T14:31:00.000-07:00

Check out my friend's calendar on Lulu. His name is Rich Mohr and he's a talented photographer who I came in contact w/via him working on the cover of my book. Search for this on Lulu:

As Promised

2006-09-06T18:50:00.000-07:00

Pictures of those trees destroyed by the pesky Asian insects. Every where we looked on this mountain, this is what we saw. The other photo is actually in the woods on the mountain. I'm telling ya, Bush needs to make a pre-emptive strike.

Asian Bugs

2006-09-04T15:42:00.000-07:00

Went to Smoky Mtn. National Park this last week. A good time. Didn't see to many animals (I'm a big animal buff), although my friend and I did come across a bear while hiking. It moved through the brush in a ravine below us. We waited a little to try and get a better view and photo but it didn't come out.

Man, the trees out there are being destroyed by all kinds of Asian bugs that keep coming here, one after another. It's too funny. The government's response is to outlaw bringing wood from one state into another, to help stop the spread. But the gov. keeps allowing WOOD FROM ASIA INTO THE U.S.!! Wouldn't that solve the problem much better? HELLO?!

There's one bug in paticular that is wiping out a lot of trees in the Smokys. No, it's not the ash borer or longhorn beetle. It's a newer one. I took pictures of the devestation. I'll post them when I figure out how to do that, later this week.

I think Bush should launch a pre-emptive strike against Asia to destroy these bugs. They are infringing on my freedom to climb trees and burn wood. Truly, our real enemies are bugs from Asia.

The Plutonians Are Coming!

2006-08-28T07:04:00.000-07:00

Now that they have downgraded Pluto from planetary status, is anyone else nervous that the Plutonians will be outraged and will launch an attack on Earth? I think they might hit Iraq first, to secure any weapons of mass destruction. Then where will they hit? I'm very nervous that we have offended the Plutonians. No doubt Bush will fail to prepare for this, as he did Katrina and Iraq. He is SO shortsighted. Everybody, better practice your Plutonian hand gesture. (Actually, Pluto has been thinking of attacking for years simply because we named their planet "Pluto". How insulting is that?) I suggest a pre-emptive strike to Bush. Get the soldiers who just returned from Iraq for like the 5th time and send them on a mission to Pluto. Of course, it's very likely that Bush has already sent a brigade to Pluto, secretly of course. It probably cost a lot, but it's not like we need the money anywhere else, plus if you don't put it in the budget, you really aren't spending it. It's magic money; the U.S. gets it from the guy who sold Jack three beans.

Well, I'm just glad we got that whole Pluto-planet-or not-planet-thing figured out. I know I'LL sleep better now.

The Book (or My Book)

2006-08-22T13:00:00.000-07:00

My book is coming out. (I wrote a book.) It's full of funny dating disasters along w/dating advice from what I learned and celebrity stories of famous people I met or worked w/while a comedian. The link is on the side, for anyone who wants to check it out. Feel free to spread the word. Thanks. ($2 of every book bought directly off the book's site goes to children who are victim's of Hurricane Katrina.) Ciao for now.

Nothing on TV

2006-08-21T15:10:00.000-07:00

I don't have cable. Most everyone does. I can't; I don't have the self-control. I'd sit around all day and watch A&E Ancient Mysteries and The Discovery Channel if I had cable. I'm at my friend's right now. At this moment, I am glad I don't have cable. It is amazing. There are like 300 channels. And there is not one good thing one. Unbelievable. How is that possible? I don't know but apparently it's quite common. Well, we're off to rent a movie. Enjoy channel surfing trying to find SOMETHING to watch.

Gas, gas, gas

2006-08-18T09:01:00.000-07:00

Well,

Usually try to post on Mon or Tues of the week, WAY behind this wee. Been busy. Have a book coming out, will put up the link next week, when I finally have some time... I hope... it's a funny dating story/advice book. Also has some celebrity stories from my standup days. See www.godisawoman.net for details, if you wish.

Okay, so gas is the big gripe. Why can't we just do this? Don't buy gas from the biggest 2 companies. BP (which includes Amoco) and Exxon (also Mobil)? Don't buy anything from their stations (food, gas, etc.) They'll have to lower the prices to get customers back and that would lower the price of all gas. Why won't that work? Why don't we do it? SPREAD THE WORD!!

Wide Receivers

2006-08-09T06:35:00.000-07:00

Been busy, so didn't get in my usual Mon or Tues post. Now that it is training camp for football, we again hear of TO.

I'm a big Eagles fan. As a kid, I felt they always had the best logo on the helmet. Hey, it's as good a reason as any to root for a team.

Any rate, there are all these WR's now w/huge egos. The league is trying to combat their poor attitudes. How can they do it?

I think the solution is quite simple: Keep stats. There are no stats for receivers, thus no pressure. If they drop a ball, it goes against the QB's stats. They should keep "should have caught" and "dropped" stats. That would deflate egos and make WR's accountable.

Why not? They keep track of every other stat in the league... "most yards on Thursdays during the month of October..."

UnOlympic Coverage

2006-08-01T06:01:00.000-07:00

Someone on NBC was bitching last night about the lack of interest in recent Olympics. Viewership has been way down. "It would have been better if NBC had not picked up the Olympics for like the next fifty years."

Amen to that. NBC's Olympic coverage SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS!!!!!!!

I'm downplaying it some, it is worse far beyond that. This year was by far the worst, because only NBC could show anything. They wouldn't let other channels air a thing. The problem is, they don't air anything themselves! They show soap operas and run almost all their regular programs. They show mostly just the U.S. athletes and typically just highlights. What the hell is that?

For example, they showed a cross country ski race in which the thought guaranteed winner fell at the beginning of the race. It was certain he would finish way out. NBC went to commercial. When they returned, they had jumped ahead in the race and he was w/the leaders and the announcers talked about his remarkable comeback. "That was something to watch! Simply remarkable!" Yeah, it would have been cool to watch. Too bad NBC didn't SHOW IT! That's what NBC calls coverage; listening to an announcer describe a race. That's called reading about it in the paper the next day, idiots!

BTW, the poor coverage has nothing to do w/time differences between countries. NBC's coverage sucked when the games were in Salt Lake, too. NBC should give the coverage back to ABC. People would watch. ABC understands that if they show the Olympics, they have to actually SHOW it! They cancelled most of their programs for the games in Calgary and had great coverage. It's too bad because NBC has my favorite shows... the "Law & Order" franchise. I guess they should stick w/those kinds of shows; that's their strong suit, along w/"The Tonight Show".

Needed: New Name for War

2006-07-25T06:16:00.000-07:00

It is stupid for anyone but a communist country to go to war these days, barring war as a defensive move or to stop another country from genocide and/or that is invading other countries.

Why? Besides the obvious cost, heartache, death, etc, there are no spoils to the war. In fact, it cost the "winning" country more than the losing country to go to war.

A few hundred years ago, and even in the twentieth century, there were spoils to a war. The winner took the land, the belongings, and so forth from the loser. For example, by those standards, the U.S. would occupy Iraq today until it sucked out all the oil and usefulness it could get. It would rule w/an iron fist and take total control. That's war.

Today, I don't know what the hell it is, but it's certainly not war. They need a new name for it. The U.S. goes into Iraq, "wins" the war, and gets no spoils. It spends endless amounts of money and time remaining in the country. For what purpose? There are no spoils; there is no reason. Worse, U.S. troops are still tragically being killed after the "war" is over! It isn't war; it's something else.

Think about it. Does it make any sense to attack a country, leave it in ruins, then flip a large part of the cost and effort to fix those ruins yourself, as the "winner"? Of course not. My guess, though, is that lots of big corporations from the U.S. are involved in rebuilding Iraq. So, the U.S. has gone to war for its corporations. Basically, its capitalism declaring war. That's not scary as hell... Not enough business here in the U.S., so companies will go to war to drum up some. Fabulous. That's the only sensible reason for the war that I can find.

Sure, one could claim the U.S. is creating democracy. BS. Disputes w/in borders need to be handled w/in borders. Outside forces cannot affect such change, that's just the nature of the beast. The U.S. had their Civil War, as does nearly every country. Passion and idealogy to affect such change must come from w/in or the change will never last.

Now, communist countries can still collect spoils because they are viewed as evil. So, China (who no one REALLY views as an evil regime on a world scale), could, say, invade and takeover North Korea, and then do whatever it wanted as far as collecting spoils.

Ideas for new names for war? Corpowar? Corpwar? C-pwar? I don't know; haven't given it much thought. Feel free to contribute ideas.

BTW, the best advice about this came from The Karate Kid... MIYAGI: "Walk left side road, okay. Walk right side road, okay. Walk middle road, sooner or later, SQUISH, just like grape." The U.S. war in Iraq is walking in the middle of the road and we're getting it hard because of it. In otherwords, for war, a country must fight the war or not fight it. There is no such thing as, or an effective way to have, a "nice" war, which is what the U.S. is TRYING to do. "We're fighting a nice war." ?? What the hell is that? The U.S. and Iraq are getting squished like grapes.

Nothing to Rant About!

2006-07-17T06:03:00.000-07:00

Nothing to rant about today. Had a great wknd, lots of volleyball on the beach in hot weather, friends around, no ranting today. Hope your wknd was as good as mine; if you have something to rant about, feel free.

Get Off Your Ass on the Bus

2006-07-11T08:51:00.000-07:00

Get off your Ass. I rode the bus today. Amazing. Absolutely amazing. I stood near the back of the bus. It wasn't that crowded but all the seats were taken. A woman between 80 and 150 got on the bus... barely. The driver had to lower the wheelchair lift for her to get her onboard. The people upfront, sitting in the handicapped seats, just watched her. Not one of them got up. They just sat there. The bus drove a few blocks before someone got up... the second oldest person on the bus, a woman who was between 75 and 100. F%$g unbelievable.

How can a bunch of twenty and thirty-year-olds not get up!!??Doesn't this drive you crazy when you see this? I'd like to hear from people who don't get up. I'd like to know why. What goes thru your head? Do you think someone else will get up, so you wait? Do you think it is good exercise for the old or handicapped to stand up? Were you abused by your grandparent or just pissed that all grandma ever gave you were old pieces of candy w/hair on them, stored at the bottom of her purse throughout the year for your annual visit?

Really, I want to know why an ass can't get off his/her ass. (BTW, in the past, when I'm closer to the front of the bus, I tell people to get up.)

My Trip to the Burbs

2006-07-03T07:56:00.000-07:00

(For the mistreated people in Naperville and the surrounding area)

Before I get into venting, I will briefly explain the "Firefly Boy" username. It's simply a reference to my standup routine. It's a bit from my act and a lot of people know me by that name, as I used it on posters, etc.

I live in Chi-Town. Originally, I'm from Oak Park, which is just outside the City. I rarely venture into the burbs these days, as there are so many things to do in the City and I'm so used to not driving now, why bother? (Chicago rocks in public transportation, bike paths, and so forth. Walking is one of the best ways to get around here.) I have a lot of friends in the burbs, though, so I should get out more to see them and get annoyed with myself that I don't. But then I go down to the beach, play volleyball, check out the eye candy, and suddenly I forget all about my friends in the burbs. "Friends? I have no friends in the burbs. You must have me confused w/someone else."

I have a pretty woman friend who lives out in Downer's Grove, though (if it were up to me, we would have been more than friends. Too bad. Now, we are too far in the friend zone for anything else. Very rare to meet such an attractive woman with a strong sarcasm who is also a good vball and tennis player--I'm big into playing sports, even though I suck. She's more into guys w/Harelys and tatoos, though. I drive a Toyota and don't even like to wear band-aids.), so I went to see her Sat. night and catch-up. The plan was to head to Naperville's Ribfest.

The trip did not start out well. The traffic on Lake Shore Drive, the route out of the city for me, was a brick wall. I ended up being late. We got to Ribfest at a little after 7, instead of a little after 6, as planned. No biggie; REO Speedwagon--the headliner--didn't go on until 8.

Cindy and I reached whereever the hell Ribfest in Naperville is. My first thought was that it was very poorly organized. We had to park several thousand miles away. Granted, it was free, but I'd rather pay $$ to be closer. There was a VIP lot near the site, which held a whopping six cars out of the myriad it could have held. What a fabulous use of space.

We trekked from our parking spot to the fest, carrying the tickets Cindy pre-purchased. We arrived at the gate to find out that they were not letting any other people in; the park was full. What?! First of all, the park was not full. Clearly, these people have never been to the Taste of Chicago or Wrigleyville on a Cubs game day. They could have easily gotten 5 thousand more people in there and it wouldn't have been nearly as packed as either of those events. But they insisted it was full.

We waited, talking w/Cindy's friends who were already inside. No way we could get in. None of the eight people standing at the gate, various security personnel, could make a decision of any sort. Apparently, the personnel carrying and using the group's brain at the time was somewhere else. I asked for them, they said something about a woman named Heather and the Fire Marshall, but w/out the brain, all they could do the rest of the time was babble and mutter incoherently. (I don't believe the Fire Marshall had anything to do w/anything. I can't imagine he has time to sit around and decide if a park is full or not.)

If you're going to close a park when you reach a certain capacity, why keep selling tickets? Instead of selling tickets for certain days, Naperville sells tickets that are good any day... well, unless other people go to the festival that day. If anyone else goes, you might not get in. Why not sell x amount of tickets for each day? Hmmm. Then you won't have a thousand pissed-off people trying to get in. Of course, if you just keep selling tickets and not letting people in, you can make a lot more money. Plus, you keep all the beverages and foods for the next day. You sell tickets to people who you then don't let eat or drink. Brilliant! Plus, they had hundreds of tables in the park, I shit you not. How much space was taken up by tables? Personally, I think the Cubs should follow the same strategy. They should just sell a zillion tickets for the season and people can come to any one game on any one day, instead of selling tickets for individual games and then capping those sales. Decision-makers in Naperville, see why that's a bad idea???!!! Perhaps it would be wiser to sell tickets that were good from like 4:05-4:20pm, and each person can go alone for 15 minutes, so that the festival doesn't get overcrowded.

Here's the kicker, though. As we stood there, people LEFT the park! We waited for twenty minutes, at least 60 people walked out of the gate we were at. Now, having gone to school and being able to count, it stands to reason that if 60 people leave, 60 people can be let in. See how that works? 5 people leave a gate, let 5 people in that gate. This is very reasonable and I've seen it practiced everywhere... except in Naperville, where apparently the more people that leave a place, the more that place becomes full. ?? I don't blame the staff monitoring the gates, as they worried about getting into trouble. (Most of them were volunteers; wait, what kind of trouble can a volunteer get into? Oh, yeah, none. "You're fired!" "Fired?! Damn, that sucks, that--oh wait, what were you paying me? Oh yeah... NOTHING!" I could see why they were concerned.) Frankly, it sucks for them because everyone complains to them and hey, they don't have the brain! They should just say that, "I'm sorry; I can't do anything. I currently do not have the brain. Later, when I get to hold it, I will be able to help you. Thank you."

So, we couldn't get in. (Although, it was just REO, so... come on, not that big a deal, but I felt bad because I was late, so Cindy couldn't get in, when there was no good reason, since people were LEAVING!) We walked the long hike to downtown Naperville, to sit and grab some much needed booze. All three bars were full--of pissed people that couldn't get into the Ribfest--and we couldn't get into them, either. We tried everywhere. Even Giordano's had a line. So, we wound up sitting on a bench, talking. Good times. Thank God for the company, that made the trip worthwhile (for me, probably not her, though.)

So, basically, I sat on Lakeshore Drive for nearly an hour (due to a car accident), drove forty minutes to Naperville, all so I could sit on a bench. Woo hoo! Now I know why people move out there; it's such a long way to drive to sit on a bench. It only stands to good reason that one be closer to the bench for sitting to begin w/. Why drive all that way? Better to live there from the start. Good thinking.

I wonder if Naperville even has ribs at their Ribfest. Probably not. "Where are your ribs?" "Oh, we don't have ribs at ribfest. No, no, no... we have lobster and clams." "But of course you do. I forgot we were in Naperville. What else would you have at a ribfest?" My guess is that the Fire Marshall and this Heather-chick were off getting busy together and since they both had the only brain available to the entire Naperville staff, the rest of us suffered. I hope they used a condom; one more staffer out there just means one more person who could tie-up the group brain.

No longer able to stand all the excitement on the bench, Cindy and I hiked back to the car and drove to a bar in a strip mall, where we met up w/her friends after the fest ended (who were very cool and understanding; I thought they might be pissed at me.) We decided to play ping pong there, as they had a ping pong table. The manager informed me that they did not have ping pong paddles. Oh. Well, why would ya? Just buy the table. Perhaps the paddles arrive a few months after the table is delivered. That's reasonable. They were probably using the paddles at Ribfest to turn the lobsters and flip burgers, instead of spatulas, which God only knows what they were being used for.

W/some effort I found they did have paddles, it's just that someone else had them. We got the paddles, only to discover that they had dented the ping pong ball, which is why they stopped playing. The manager then informed me that they only had one ping pong ball. That's it. That makes sense, because those things NEVER get lost. They never roll under tables or behind things. NEVER.

People, you can't even buy just one ping pong ball. They come in packs of at least 3. Even those are hard to find. You have to go to the store, open the pack, take out one ball, and leave. They steal their ping pong balls! I guess that's good; it saves them 5 cents, which they can use toward a $7 Ribfest ticket to see an old band while they eat anything but ribs on a bench nowhere near the fest because the staff at Naperville's ribfest can't count. I heard their school system was good? Probably is; everyone probably gets the hell out of there after they graduate.

Please, please. Naperville, hire some people who can count so that you can implement an "X-in, X-out" policy next year. Okay? Thanks Cindy, next time, you're coming to Chi-Town. We'll see U2, park w/in fifty feet, and actually get in! Sorry again we couldn't get in. To all my friends who live in the burbs, yeah, won't be seeing you this year. I've made my one trip out there for the year and I've had my fill. You're welcome to visit me anytime, though.

(This blog entry was written for the people of Naperville and the surrounding area. I felt very bad for all of the families, etc, who couldn't get into Ribfest. Imagine getting your kids ready to go out, getting them all to the place, they're so excited, and then crushed because they can't get in. When, really, they CAN get in, because, again, people are LEAVING. I do this entry for you, to perhaps affect some change in the name of common sense. To the people running Naperville Ribfest, I say, "Dah!")

-Firefly Boy

Intro -- Why the Blog?

2006-07-03T07:44:00.000-07:00

Things bug me. They bug you. They bug everyone. Having been a standup comedian for ten years (now I do screenwriting, as well as traditional writing--have a book coming out in the near future, more on that in the near future), I realize that a lot of what I think only bothers me and only I notice, is not the case. Most of the time everybody notices these things and are bothered by them. Because I no longer tour (to give me time to focus on writing), I can no longer vent about things on stage. Instead, I'll vent in a blog.

How often will I vent? Who knows. Once a week. Once every two weeks. God help us all if I have a bad day; I might get Carpel Tunnel blogging on such a day alone. Feel free to offer you insight and own related vents here on Rant 'n Rave.